Understanding Your Relationships

Our relationships are driven by our attachment style which is in turn

shaped by early experiences

—especially how caregivers responded to our emotional needs. These patterns influence how we relate to others in adult relationships.

Secure Attachment

Core Experience: “I can trust others. My needs will usually be met. It’s safe to connect and rely on people.”

Often Developed When:

• Caregivers were generally responsive and emotionally available.

• The child felt seen, soothed, and supported.

• Mistakes and emotions were tolerated and guided, not punished.

Anxious Attachment

(also called Preoccupied)

Core Experience: “I need connection badly, but I’m afraid you’ll leave or stop caring. I have to hold on tight.”

Often Developed When:

• Caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes warm, sometimes unavailable.

• Emotional needs were unpredictably met.

• The child may have learned to amplify distress to get attention.

Avoidant Attachment

(also called Dismissive)

Core Experience: “I can’t really depend on others. It’s safer to be self-reliant and not show too much.”

Often Developed When:

• Caregivers were emotionally distant or discouraged

• emotional expression.

• The child learned to suppress needs to maintain connection.

• Seeking comfort may have been met with discomfort or rejection.

Disorganized Attachment

(less common; often linked to trauma)

Core Experience: “I want closeness but I fear it too. I don’t know how to feel safe in relationships.”

Often Developed When:

• Caregivers were a source of both comfort and fear (e.g., trauma, abuse, or neglect).

• No consistent strategy developed for seeking safety or connection.

• Emotional regulation became chaotic or confused.

Understanding your attachment style, spotting it in action, means that you have a chance to change it. Bringing the unconscious into your consciousness means that you begin to have choices in your interactions, in your relationships.

Contact me to talk about your relationships.

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